Maddi Chilton is an internet footprint.

an incomplete ranking of Lee van Cleef movies

Here's my ranking of all of the Lee van Cleef movies I've watched since Christmas. Due to my current internetlessness this is a combination of movies that I already owned (regrettably, before having ever seen a Lee van Cleef movie, I owned seven Lee van Cleef movies) and movies that are available on Amazon Prime, the only app I've got that lets me download stuff for offline viewing. Tubi, I still love you, but you gotta up your game.

This ranking is more a ranking of Cleefiness than of genuine quality, but except for a few early-career movies where he's only a small part, those things are basically synonymous.

godsgun

  1. God's Gun (1976)

I don't know how you make "Lee van Cleef avenges his own death" bad but my god the Israelis have done it. Points only for Jack Palance, who's having a great time chewing the scenery.

sabata

  1. Sabata (1969)

This is a Looney Toons movie.

liberty

  1. The Man who Shot Liberty Valance (1962)

This is a great movie but the LvC showing is unfortunately sub-par. He's grimy but not in the sexy Angel Eyes way and he's not around a whole lot. Congrats to him for getting three entire lines, though!

deathrides

  1. Death Rides a Horse (1967)

I'm not entirely sure why this didn't work for me, but it didn't. Part of it is that the other lead — this is an example of the classic and extremely exploited "Lee van Cleef acquires handsome young man" genre — is just a total charisma void. Not fun to look at, not fun to hear talk, not a good actor, not a bad actor in a way that's interesting. The plot is predictable and the villains are cheesy without being funny. It's very technically capable, maybe "objectively" one of his best spaghettis, but man, I just really didn't like it. It didn't help that I watched it right after The Grand Duel, which was a lot cheaper of a production and still felt like it worked better in every way.

highnoon

  1. High Noon (1952)

You know, when Wikipedia said that this was his first movie and he didn't have a single line of dialogue it deeply undersold that he is, in fact, the first shot of the movie, and also tremendously beautiful in it. The youth! Lanky, beady-eyed, angular, wearing those skinny pants, pacing around looking evil. At one point he plays a harmonica. So enjoyable. To quote Leone: "That is the face I want."

kidvengeance

  1. Kid Vengeance (1977)

... regrettably I kinda liked this. The second of LvC's late-career Israeli westerns, filmed concurrently with God's Gun, and it's basically a by-the-numbers revenge flick complicated slightly by the fact that the protagonist is a literal child. A Boy Scout PSA that rape and murder are bad? The lead kid is pretty cute, actually, but what I love is LvC playing this horrible murderous rapist dressed like he's shilling for a free love commune. He accidentally kidnaps the lead kid's sister and then goes into bitchy reluctant dad mode for like, a full hour. Tonally a mess but in practice much more enjoyable of a watch than its sister film!

captainapache

  1. Captain Apache (1971)

LvC, in redface, stars in what appears to be the season finale of an ill-fated and forgotten crime-comedy show that was supposed to star William Shatner but couldn't afford him. He doesn't have a mustache in this one, which is alarming. He sings the theme song, which is even more alarming. It takes a long time for this to get anywhere but the final setup, in which Captain Apache (which I assume is his government name) wanders through a train, slowly figuring out that every single other character he's met in the film is on it, is actually quite a fun connecting-the-dots moment. It then rubs in that Cpt. Apache is going to continue to be fucked over by the American governing interests and ends without a single shot of his bloody torso despite the fact that his shirt had been open for ten minutes. Sad!

beyondthelaw

  1. Beyond the Law (1968)

Unexpectedly cute. LvC is a little bit of a doofus in this — he spends a lot of time Stumbling into Situations while trying to balance life as a semi-successful bandit in an overbearing group chat with the handsome young man he acquired (there's that trope again) and his new job he didn't really like and the fact that he kinda digs the straight life. Buying fancy suits, wearing shiny stars, taking a bath once in a while. He goofs his way into being a good sheriff for a minute and then elaborately implodes his friend group and it all ends on a nice totally unresolved note. It's fun to watch him be a dork in this! He never gets to be a dork, normally, because of the whole looking insanely evil thing, but he's pretty convincing.

gbu gbufinger

  1. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly (1966)

Yes I know this is the most iconic spaghetti Western of all time or whatever. I understand the cultural context. I deeply, deeply appreciate LvC getting to go full-on sadist for a while, not even having to be chill about it. I respect that this is maybe the hottest possible look for him. However, Blondie and Tuco insisted on spending forty hours doing side quests, so here we are. Gimme that fuckin finger shot!

bloodmoney strangerand

  1. Blood Money/The Stranger and the Gunfighter (1974)

This rocks. LvC teams up with Lo Lieh to go treasure hunting. A straight comedy, which I loved: he seems like he's having a great time, and he's got a couple phenomenal line deliveries, my favorite being when he brushes off a prostitute by saying that he's a member of the Temperance League. There's a great scene in here where Lo Lieh tells him to stay back from a big battle because he's an innocent that might get hurt and the indignant face he makes is so funny. Plus he sings Rye Whiskey at one point and that's one of my favorite shanties!

grandduel grandduels

  1. The Grand Duel (1972)

One of the best villain crews in any of these! The white-clad Saxon brothers are a tremendously fun, tremendously memorable trio that urge along a pretty by-the-numbers plot. This a really good entry in the "Lee van Cleef acquires handsome young man" genre; the guy who plays Wermeer is convincingly cocky enough to hold his own, and there's a nice element of mystery and frustration between the two as he tries to figure out why the fuck this old man is following him. The plot really seems to be progressing in one direction and then turns in on itself in a way I found really satisfying. I watched an absolute ass quality copy of this and would really like to rewatch it to actually see the expressions people are making, so if anyone's got a spare thirty bucks for that Arrow blu-ray….

dayofanger daysofanger

  1. Day of Anger (1967)

Peak "LvC acquires handsome young man" film, aside from the obvious genre progenitor. He walks a really good line between appealing and foreboding in this; you can tell why he's instantly so seductive to the main character, and you never quite understand what his intentions are or where he's going. Giuliano Gemma is a dork and a half but it's sweet to watch, and it's fun to approach the mentorship plotline from a different angle, where the younger character is so guileless and honest and those characteristics aren't taken from him when he learns to shoot. Talby and Scott's genuine affection for each other is never in doubt, and it makes the slow unspooling of Talby's plans and influence hard but satisfying to watch. This is the movie I've watched that feels most prime for a remake: the same plot played seriously (as opposed to the dips in/out of comedy here) could be excellent. LvC also gets to actually act in this, lol, which is fun.

fafdm fafdm2 fafdm3

  1. For a Few Dollars More (1965)

You don't need me to say anything about this. This is the best Lee van Cleef movie.

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This has been a fun little exercise. I've really been running the gamut between excellent films and total fucking garbage here. Not a bad project for a few weeks bored to tears in a half-furnished apartment!

Here are a few I'm still planning on watching:

I hope this has inspired you to watch a spaghetti western. I am spreading the Gospel of the Lord as best I know how.